TSA: What are they really looking for?

James and I packed up our life in D.C., moved out, and headed out west.  First stop would be our wedding reception in Boise and then a week on the Oregon Coast for his family vacation.

At the airport, we did what all good Americans must do and that is strip down, take all laptops and liquids out and allow the TSA to screen you for dangerous weapons. 

My apologies to the TSA, but I find them ineffective at best.  A "friend" of mine who used to travel every week told me that she never once removed her liquids and was never...EVER stopped.  I can vouch for this friend as she is the most honest, smart and beautiful person I know. 

So let me say that this friend happened to be in front of James in the security line and once again she went all the way through the screening without once being asked about her shampoo, makeup, or moisturizer.  Athough the nice lady at the T.V. did comment on her awesome jewelry. 

Meanwhile, James comes innocently behind with all liquids removed when the TV lady barks at him, "What's in this bag?  I see something liquid.  Is it a jam or a jelly of some kind sir?"

James thinks about it.  And then he smiles and looks her in the eye and says clearly, "No.  It's lube."

She looks at him blankly and says, "Huh?"  I think she was processing.

He says, "For sex."

I'm dying laughing and then the lady loses it.  She's all embarrassed, but she's already called an officer over to look at it.  When the officer comes over and inquires what she is looking for the TV lady can't even answer.  She can NOT say the word lube.  James was forced to say it again.

I think this:  TSA is not screening for dangerous weapons or liquids that could be potential threats.  This is the first time we have been asked about anything liquid in our bags, so this I know.  They are either looking for jam (hungry) OR they are looking for lube.  And when they find it, trust James...they confiscate it.  And the country remains a safer (though less satisfied) place.

Crash + Bang (or How to be an Objectively Reasonable Person)

I cried at the shooting range.  Not one or two tears- heaving, gasping sobs through 4 of the 6 stations.

Yes, I know it's dumb.  Yes, everyone else there was laughing, chatting, and super psyched to be able to handle AK-47's and M-4s and Glocks.  And yes, at one post while shooting the AK-47 the instructor did cut my lesson short when he noticed I was blinded by tears and I couldn't wipe them through the protective goggles to say, "Um, I think you have a good understanding of this one.  Why don't you go ahead and move along."

In my defense, I'm a little stressed and they spent 4 days freaking me out before sending me to a shooting range with terrorist weapons.

A quick recap of our Crash and Bang training week:

Day 1 and 2 - Surveillance.
Highlights - Don't look out windows, don't trust anyone - especially people talking on cell phones on the street.  Always change your route when driving and watch your rear view mirror.  If an old man crosses the street and bends over to pick something up in front of your car it's probably a sign to people who are about to put you in a blockade and blow you up. 

Day 3 - Medical
Highlights - You can get a hole in your chest that starts breathing and will cause you to die if it isn't blocked, If you don't put a tourniquet on a bleeder you can die in 1-6 minutes.  Tourniquets won't force your wounded limb to be amputated unless you keep it on for more than 4-6 hours.  Full body armor is heavy.  Very heavy.  I guess that's because it is sheets of metal.  But come on technology.  If you are dead when medical help arrives, or you appear to be dead they will just put a taped X on your chest and move on.

Day 4 - High Speed Chases
Highlights:  You can ram a car out of your way most effectively at the speed of 10-15 miles per hour.  If someone is stopped on the side of a road do not stop to help them - in fact, speed up or they will shoot you.  If the driver dies while driving you can climb out of your seat and in to their lap and take over driving for a while until you are out of danger.  I suck at reversing at high speeds around curvy roads.  Ambulances on bridges may be decoys that signal other terrorists that you are about to pass.  Seriously.

Day 5 - "Deadly Force"
That was the actual name of the training where they taught us about guns and bombs, and they told us to read a legal document that basically says "The use of deadly force must be objectively reasonable."

I ask you, if you are about to use deadly force, DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE THE TIME TO STOP AND BE OBJECTIVELY REASONABLE???

And that brings us to the shooting range and the complete emotional breakdown.  In my mind, that was the first thing I did that week that was objectively reasonable at all. 

Going out with a bang. (Forever and ever, amen.)

 For non- FS'ers, (foreign service'ers.  yes that is a word.  two actually.) there is a little bit of basic lingo you should understand.  A post is where you get sent to work in an embassy or consulate for a designated amount of time.  James' first post was Matamoros.  His second post will be Iraq.

Your first two posts are typically 2 years and then each post after that is generally 3 years.  When you have 1 year left at your post, you start to "bid" (apply for a job in our street-lingo) on posts.  Iraq is a dangerous post, and as such is a 1 year post.  So we gots to get our bid on.

Thus adding to the stress of getting married, moving to D.C., quitting my job, packing for Iraq, filling out incessant forms and getting medical checks...and well, moving to a war zone...we are simultaneously being asked to research and apply for 6-15 jobs.   

It's been stressful.  Period.

You can select 15 and 6 are your core bids.  You may or may not get selected by any of the posts you bid on.  Our core bids (currently and in no particular order) are:

• Santiago, Chile
• Jerusalem
• Panama
• Zagreb, Croatia
• The Vatican
• The Hague

I'd say we have about a 50% chance on one of the first four and about a 10% chance on the last two.  It's odd, but many, many other people besides us seem to think it would be a great idea to live in Italy.

Funny stories come out of this bid process.  In our larger list of 15, there is a post that I will not name... to protect the guilty.  Let it be said that I generally prefer to protect the guilty over the innocent, but that's another story. 

James sent an email to said post inquiring about their interest in, well, us.  Shortly after sending it we got the following out of office response from the guy who would do the hiring:

"If we worked together, I'm sure it was fun. I am out of the office. I
will be out of the office forever and ever, amen. ;-) God bless."

That's a Foreign Service Peace Out if I ever saw one.  Not sure if that should encourage or discourage us to bid on that post.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish he was staying.  That's the kind of guy you want to work with...fun.
Amen.

Lessons Learned

I spent one week in my Iraq Familiarization class.  Here are the key learnings:

1.  Everything is an acronym in the Foreign Service, and there are double now in Iraq.  Many dealing with weapons of destruction.  There is one that seems to be missing - can we get some LOL up in here?  WTF.  (Why the face?)

2.  Great news - we'll only have one month of Sandstorm season when we arrive in Iraq.  It ends in October.  Bad news...it starts in April.  So you know, it's just like, half a year.  (Which is fine because you can see from the picture to the right that they're pretty harmless.  No big whoop.)

3.  They showed us the Embassy newsletter.  My favorite article had this headline, "New ATM...with cash!"

4.  When the warning sounds you should definitely run to a duck and cover.  And you should really duck--the entrance is only 5 feet high.  When you get inside:  Do not touch the walls or you will get hurt when the Rocket burrows in the ground by you, and do make yourself comfortable, ducking in the dark, not touching anything and talking to whoever you find inside.  Seems reasonable.


I think I'm ready to go.