Shock the World

I may have mentioned to some of you that right before I left for Iraq, ye olde state department called an audible on me.  They decided that since they were losing the military contracts who ran the television studio, that I would be the best available option to take over.

Never mind that I have never worked in a television studio.
Never mind that I am not a "technically" minded person.
Never mind that I will be responsible for creating live feeds for outlets such as FOX, CNN or CBS should they want a live interview with the Ambassador or General over here....and that it would be in real time....and that I would be SOLO.  That means no one to ask wtf(ace) is going on when it doesn't work. 

I'm not complaining.  It just seems like these are things they may have considered.

Yes, so never mind all that, I have happily accepted the challenge.  With great trepidation.  And some excitement at learning a new thing.  But mostly, at this juncture- trepidation.

Friday I was starting to feel some semblance of peace about it all after meeting the military guys who will be training me.  I started to recognize that many of the shoots themselves would be pretty basic and straightforward.  However.  That peace disappeared today when I showed up to watch them record the General doing an interview with a local media outlet. 

As we were setting up, my buddy Buenavista (Sargent B to you) started walking me through the trillions of tiny buttons on the switchboards, decks, satellites, etc.. and saying things like...(no joke, these are real):
"You want to start with this button to avoid a...black burst"
"If you have a problem, CNN may ask you to peep the bird"
"Last time we worked with FOX they got really mad about our polarity problem."

Are you KIDDING me??  I have no idea what a black burst, peeping the bird and/or polarity is.  At ALL.  I was struggling just learning the new acronyms State and the Military were throwing around and now I have a third language that makes no sense. 

It's fine though.  I'm writing down every crazy thing they say, and the first time CNN calls I will cut them off at the pass before they can say a word with, "Don't worry guys, polarity has never looked better and when I peeped the bird there were no black bursts to be seen."  I imagine they'll be fairly shocked by my media brilliance.  That's a 10-4 good buddies, one way or the other it's time to Shock the World - Quinn(Dewey) style.

Gotta run...there are birds to peep.